The Pursuit of Holiness

It seems like every time I post I have just been through a really tough struggle or am in the midst of one. That is probably due to the fact that it is during struggles that God seems to teach me the most. My most recent struggle may seem rather odd to some of you but to some, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Satans attacks are subtle and often we do not even realize it is he who is attacking us.

Recently I have been struggling with this fear of doing wrong...which in one sense can be a good thing...but not when it robs you of bringing God the most glory by finding joy in Him. I had this gripping fear that if I messed up, everything would be over. God would be so disappointed in me. He can't bear to look on sin so He wouldn't be able to look on me. I wanted so badly to live a life that would please Him. Therefore I was trying to live with this conscious thought of doing everything perfectly. Yet of course...we're humans...and sadly this isn't attainable for us (until heaven). I have seen how selfish and evil my heart still is despite what I may like to think of myself. This was putting me into such a turmoil. I couldn't seem to get my mind off of my own failures. I was so paranoid about everything I did and to be quite honest, it was torture.

I received several excellent books for Christmas, and have been reading a book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss called "Holiness; The Heart God Purifies" ever since I got it from Jon and Renee. Last night I almost fell out of my chair when I started reading the chapter that I happened to be on. There was an excerpt from a letter that Hudson Taylor had sent to his sister while he was doing missionary work in China. In it he had said, "I hated myself; I hated my sin...I felt that there was nothing I so much desired in this world (as holiness), nothing I so much needed. But so far from in any measure attaining it, the more I pursued and strove after it, the more it eluded my grasp; till hope itself almost died out...I cannot tell you how I am buffeted sometimes by temptation. I never knew how bad a heart I had...Often I am tempted to think that one so full of sin cannot be a child of God at all. I prayed, agonised, fasted, strove, made resolutions, read the Word more diligently...but all was without effect. Every day, almost every hour, the consciousness of sin oppressed me. Is there no rescue? Must it be to this end- constant conflict, instead of victory, too often defeat? All the time I felt assured that there was in Christ all I needed, but the practical question was how to get it out. He was rich, truly, but I was poor; He strong, but I weak".

I couldn't believe what I was reading. This could have been something I myself had written, for it described so perfectly what my struggle of late has been. And here I thought I was the only one who had ever struggled with such a stupid thing. (Btw...I'd strongly encourage you to go to http://www.btinternet.com/~a.ghinn/hudson.htm and read the entire letter that Hudson wrote to his sister. It would be be well worth your time.)

Anyways, I was eager to find out what had solved this problem for Hudson Taylor and so I continued reading. Apparently he too had been reading a book...One by John Mcarthy called "Christ is All", and here is the quote that he took from it, "But how to get faith strengthened? Not by striving after faith, but by resting on the Faithful One." Hudson Taylor responded to this by saying "As I read I saw it all! "If we believe not, He abideth faithful." I looked to Jesus and saw (and when I saw, oh, how joy flowed!) that He had said, "I will never leave you." "Ah, there is rest!" I thought. "I have striven in vain to rest in Him. I'll strive no more. For has He not promised to abide with me-never to leave me, never to fail me? But this was not all He showed me, nor one half. As I thought of the Vine and the branches, what light the blessed Spirit poured direct into my soul! How great seemed my mistake in having wished to get the sap, the fulness out of Him. I saw not only that Jesus would never leave me, but that I was a member of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. The vine now I see, is not the root merely, but all-root, stem, branches, twigs, leaves, flowers, fruit: and Jesus is not only that: He is soil and sunshine, air and showers, and ten thousand times more than we have ever dreamed, wished for, or needed. Oh, the joy of seeing this truth! I do pray that the eyes of your understanding may be enlightened, that you may know and enjoy the riches freely given us in Christ. Oh, my dear sister, it is a wonderful thing to be really one with a risen and exalted Saviour; to be a member of Christ! Think what it involves. Can Christ be rich and I poor? Can your right hand be rich and the left poor? or your head be well fed while your body starves?... And since Christ has thus dwelt in my heart by faith, how happy I have been! I am no better than before (may I not say, in a sense, I do not wish to be, nor am I striving to be); but I am dead and buried with Christ -- aye, and risen too and ascended; and now Christ lives in me, and "the life that I now live in the flesh, I live by the faith of the Son of God, Who loved me, and gave Himself for me. I am as capable of sinning as ever, but Christ is realised as present as never before. He cannot sin; and He can keep me from sinning. I cannot say (I am sorry to have to confess it) that since I have seen this light I have not sinned; but I do feel there was no need to have done so. And further -- walking more in the light, my conscience has been more tender; sin has been instantly seen, confessed, pardoned; and peace and joy (with humility) instantly restored"

God knew that I needed to read that. He knew I needed to be reminded that it is nothing I do that will gain me any favor with Him. When God looks upon me He sees the righteousness of His Son. Christ is ALL I need. This thought alone is enough to give me the strength I need to find joy in my own pursuit of holiness.

On Sunday night Pastor Walters said something in his message that I have been thinking about today. "You will rise no higher than what you mediate on". For a while now I had been "meditating" on my failures and how I couldn't seem to do anything right. It was all that I could think about. No wonder I was struggling so much! No wonder I couldn't seem to get anywhere! Thank God for men and women who have gone before us, who have struggled and come out victors, who can direct us back to the right path because they themselves know what its like to have drifted off and lost their way. Such a calmness, peace and joy have been mine since my focus has turned to Christ. I have been reminded that Christ died for me even though He knew I'd still sin. I have been reminded that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9) and finally I have been reminded that "I am continually with Thee: Thou hast holden me by my right hand. Thou shalt guide me with Thy counsel and afterward receive me to glory." (Psalms 73:23-24)

What a loving, faithful, forgiving God!

I'd appreciate your continued prayers!
Chrystal